Dog boy loves cake

Regret

2008-10-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

Regret

Now, after about one and a half decade, I sometimes feel that I should have accepted the marriage proposal of Angelina Jolie.

The Hitman!

2008-10-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

The Hitman!

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

Fuck, just remembered another one

2008-10-14T10:18:00.001-07:00

Fuck, just remembered another one
Me and a mate went to this all you can eat chinese restaurant last year. When we got there the waiters and the head waiter bloke (about 5 of them in total) were having a massive argument with this sligtly trampy looking customer who didn't have enough money for the meal he'd just had. He was shitfaced pissed too so he must have owed them a bit. He said something like "fnnaagh ya baasssttaaards, I'll pay youse when I get back from the bog", so off he went up to the toilet.
I was busting for a piss so I went up a minute or two later. When I opened the toilet door I was hit with the most appalling shit smell I have ever smelt, the kind that makes your eyes water. I nearly puked. The pissed trampy guy came out of a cubicle to reveal that yes indeed he had done a big stinking shit on the floor. Then he trod in it, and began walking shitty footprints around the bog. I legged it down to tell the waiters, they went racing up the stairs before he could walk it all over the place. We didn't see him come down so I would imagine they took him out the back for a kicking. Dirty fucker. But hey he probably got away with not paying for his meal